Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in crafty1089's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
9:38 pm	Hmmmmmm...... Have you ever been upset, sad and angry all at the same time....and u cant seem to stop it? Ya thats been the extent of my life as of late. Ive kinda shut everyone out and now im tryin to deal with stuff. (Cause u know how much of a stubborn Italian I am.) So thats all im gonna say. :P I figured id just let everyone know.............Yup............ok.............bye.......... Current Mood: Dont Know (Comment on this)
Friday, March 18th, 2005
7:56 pm	OOOOOOOOOOO boy........ Well this week really sucked. I successfully made myself look like a complete ass, shut everyone and everything out of my life, and completely and utterly humiliated myself......(Wow ive really outdone myself huh?) I really lost it this week. Im sorry for havin everyone read the crap ive been wrightin and......u know what? Im really tired of sayin sorry. It seems like thats all i say now....once ive cooled off that is....Thats the pattern...fuck up BIG time, then try and appologize for something that really shouldnt be forgiven.... I dont like this pattern. Its REALLY not helpin me with my social life or personal life. (As if i have one.) So anyways, I might hate sayin it, but im sorry for how ive been. Tell me how to make it up to u and I'll do it. I dont expect anyone to forgive me, because i really shouldnt be forgiven. (And your crazy if u do!) But ya....sorry again....hope i can break this pattern soon. Its really makin me mad. Bye Current Mood: sorry (3 Comments |Comment on this)
7:56 pm	OOOOOOOOOOO boy........ Well this week really sucked. I sucessfully made myself look like a complete ass, shut everyone and everything out of my life, and completely and utterly humiliated myself......(Wow ive really outdone myself huh?) I really lost it this week. Im sorry for havin everyone read the crap ive been wrightin and......u know what? Im really tired of sayin sorry. It seems like thats all i say now....once ive cooled off that is....Thats the pattern...fuck up BIG time, then try and appologize for something that really shouldnt be forgiven.... I dont like this pattern. Its REALLY not helpin me with my social life or personal life. (As if i have one.) So anyways, I might hate sayin it, but im sorry for how ive been. Tell me how to make it up to u and I'll do it. I dont expect anyone to forgive me, because i really shouldt be forgivin. (And your crazy if u do!) But ya....sorry again....hope i can break this pattern soon. Its really makin me mad. Bye Current Mood: sorry (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
7:58 pm	Im Done..... Ok heres the drill.......Everyone LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!! I dont wanna talk to anyone, see anyone, or even think about anyone! Got it!? Im done with sharing my *Feelings* about everything thats goin on. From now on it stays with me! No more *Friends*, no more *Helping* no more nothing! Dont bother me anymore! Just stay the FUCK OUTTA MY WAY! Thats it. Im done. Fuck this! Current Mood: Pissed Off Current Music: Nothing (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 13th, 2005
10:53 am	Yet another waste of your time.... Ok.....so have u ever had a wound (Not physical) that u thought was closed and that everything was getting better, only to have it ripped open again? And for all of the hurt, sadness, and pain to pour out? Thats how I feel right now. It seems that throughout the week im getting better. Im starting to feel better and everything is goin ok. Then, over the weekend that wound just gets torn open over and over again. This seems to be a continuous cycle. Every week the same thing. Now, I want to hang out with my friends but whenever I do, it seems to cause me pain. (And i dont like pain). So what is there to do? Do I lock myself away, never hanging out or partyin with my friends again? Do I close all social lines outside of school? Im thinkin that I know what to do.....but its gonna be really hard to do. (Nothing harmful, dont worry) I know im not gonna like it, but its all I have left to try....... Current Mood: Sad Current Music: Andrea Bocelli, "Rasta Qui" (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
8:55 pm	im sorry... Hey all... look i know the last thing u wanna do right now is hear from me and how stuff isnt goin to well. So this one isnt gonna be like that. This one is to apologize for makin all of u deal with my problems. It isnt right for me to make u worry about me, or to act like an ass when im with some of u. As of late I have been very disrespectful to a lot of u by having u over, then leaving the room or just by bringing the mood down. That is not how i usually am. The stuff thats been goin on i just dont know how to control yet. But even that is no excuse for my actions. I should know better than to act like this, and i apologize for it. I hope u can forgive me. I am very sorry. -Chris Current Mood: Ashamed of myself Current Music: Nothing (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 21st, 2005
8:40 pm	Y WONT THIS SHIT LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! Ive been told that there is a pattern to this whole anger and sadness thing, that it'll end soon.... but im not seein an end. Im just seein more darkness and more anger......and that scares me...... and i HATE bein scared!! Im havin trouble controlin this. Its gettin harder and harder. U saw me when everyone came over. This shit doesnt run the same pattern for me as it did for Andy and Dan. Even now I can feel the anger emerging from deep within me. I can feel my hands startin to shake. The energy is buildin up in me and I have no way to release it. The nun-chucks dont do it anymore, talking doesnt really help, and I got in trouble for puttin a dent in my wall. I WANT THIS GONE!!! and yet it wont leave me. My friends are wonderin y im actin so weird but there is stuff that i just cant tell them yet, for fear of it REALLY messin things up. So what do I do?!?!? Bottle it. Cover it up. Do my BEST to hide it..... but right now, my best doesnt seem to be workin all that well.....I dont want them to worry cause Im not gonna do anything drastic. Im not gonna hurt myself or someone else. Its just all the stuff thats goin through me right now, i dont know how to deal with. I need my friends right now... but at the same time there is no point to that cause there is notin they can do. God im so fuckin confused!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...... Current Mood: Every bad thing u can emagion Current Music: The stuff goin through my head (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 20th, 2005
3:26 pm	Another weird quiz thingy... How do u feel about me? (Repsot to see what your friends think about u.) Current Mood: Goosfraba (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, February 18th, 2005
6:33 pm	Just for the fun of it "If you woke up and I was in bed with you, what would be your first thought? (Now post this in your LJ and find out what mine would be!)" Current Mood: amused Current Music: Layla, Eric Clapton (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 13th, 2005
2:00 pm	Fun!! WOO HOO!! Hey. This weekend was a lot of fun. After work, Alyssa came over and we played guitar (Sort of) and then Halo for a while, until Dan got home. Then we all partied for and played many random games. Then Alyssa had to go. (Bummer) So then Dan and I were the only ones. Now whenever that happens u know there's gonna be trouble. So we shot and killed each other, while really hight off sugar. Needless to say, we were trippin balls. HAHAHA. srry, fun term to use. So ya, now its off to do homework and chores. YAY!!!!! well, until next weekend... no wait... until thursday. Cause thats when my drivers license test is. (O CRAP!! Thats really close!) So ill update u all on thursday. So ya.. until THURSDAY or somethin really crappy happens during the week. (Which might qualify thursday.) Bye. Current Mood: Thats just a cool word Current Music: Sweet Home Alabama (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
9:40 pm	Bummin..... So as u all know, things have been pretty crappy as of late. And everyone has been tryin to help. But what really makes me mad the most is that now that im bummin, so is everyone else. Ive only really been sad and angry to this extent twice in my life. (Including this time). And normally I would have people to rely on and support me.( Not saying I dont). But as of late, all the people that give support have been goin through shit of their own. So now everyone is in some kind of funk or another. Some are pullin out of it, and some are still right in it. So it isnt that east to talk to anyone right now. Cause even though they may seem like they r listening, u know they r just lettin u talk. They are just tryin to deal with their shit first. (Which isnt a bad thing). So its not the same as if u were to talk to someone who is havin a great life at the moment and is just focused on u. U know that if u say what u really want to say, itll only add more of a burden to them. And u can tell that that is the last thing they need. So u say what u can and then hold the rest in. Eventually it has to come out though. For me, it was puttin a dent in my gameroom wall with my fist, which all of my friends seem to notice. Others just keep it held inside. Now ive been talkin to friends but there isnt to much that they can do. Now ive never really been one to open up to people or take advice or anything. Im used to holding it inside of me and lettin it out in my own speshall, sometimes violent ways. Im used to helping my friends with their problems. So once i start talkin about my problems, I tend to feel like, "I can take care of this on my own. Y add more for my friends to worry about when they have so much to do already." So ill say just enough, but never the whole thing. Sometimes there is a lot more to add and sometimes there is just a few minor details. But I always tend to stop. Now, the person i have been talkin to is usually great at helpin, but as of late, hes had a LOT of stuff goin on. So ive kinda stopped talkin to him about my stuff and started tryin to help him more. Like I said, hes great at listening, but I stopped because he doesnt really have a way of lettin it out. It builds up in him, and the more and more stuff he listens to, the more and more it drains him. So right now I think im gonna see what I can do for him, and try and help him more. Ill deal with my stuff some other time. Wow my fingures are tired. And my brain hurts. good night. Im done. Current Mood: mixed with anger as usual. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 6th, 2005
10:00 am	I cant think of subjects So this weekend was better than the last. We partied with Halo then watched "Kung Pow." Then Alyssa had to go. We were sad but carried on. haha. Dan, Andy, and I played some weird games that all lead up to truth or dare. (Yes with 3 people.... All guys.... yeah....) It was actually more like just truth. We all got to talk about stuff that was buggin us or that we needed out in the open. Some of the stuff was really hard to take in, and some was about kicking hobos and eating apples. hahaha. Ya it was definitely an interesting evening. They ended up stayin over just for the sheer fact that we were all to lazy to move... So that was my weekend, now its off to homework and the Super bowl!! Go Patriots!!!! Well yaaa.... as always.. until next weekend or somethin really crappy happens during the week (again)! Bye. Current Mood: A mix of good and bad (Comment on this)
Monday, January 31st, 2005
6:09 pm	Sick Of Losing.... Since sixth grade I have watched my friends go out and have relationships. Some of them work and most of them dont. And ever since then I have sworn that I would never go out with a girl just to say that I have a girlfriend or just to get into her pants. Thats not me. As of late though its been getting so much harder. I have only seriously thought of asking out 3 girls in my life. Slowly, one after the other that disappeared. Now, after the last one, things have gotten very difficult for me. I have seen my friends wrapped up each others arms and you can see just how much they care for each other. And I dont know y but now its really startin to get to me. I need that as well.... I have helped my friends with their relationship problems but in the end they r the ones that r happy and not me. Im glad I could help and all but there is still a void that isnt being filled for me. I have talked with dan about this. He knows somewhat how I feel. He dealt with a similar situation. There is only so much that talkin to your friends can do though. So your probably wonderin what this is all about. Basically, what I need right now, is a girl. What I need is some one who I can just sit down with and hold just for a little while. (And no Dan u dont count.)Right now thats all I want. More than anything. More than the kisses and all that. That isnt whats important to me. Right now thats what I need. Just to hold someone. I feel like an missing something. There is a certain love that your friends and family have for u, and then there is that special kind of love. The one that only someone who u really care about can give to u. Right now, that is what I need. I need to experience that. Right now, it feels like there is a weight on my heart that I cant get rid of. Its something that I have been longing for for so long, but never had. Im tired of watching everyone else and never having anything myself. Its been getting harder and harder. And after the last girl that I liked got a boyfriend, its started to really get to me. Now there is no one left and that makes me very sad. And for anyone that knows me, when I am sad, I get angry. So to relieve that anger today, I went out for and hour and a half and did nunckucku (nun chucks) in my backyard. (And yes I do know how to use them. They arnt just for show.) That relieved some anger but I can still feel it inside of me. Now I know there is nothing that anyone can do about this but I thought that maybe postin this would make me feel somewhat better. It seems to do somethin for my friends. But u know what? Right now I dont think anything is really gonna help. Thanks for readin this. Srry if it completely bummed u out. Current Mood: and angry (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 30th, 2005
10:53 am	My weekend Well my weekend wasnt as excitin as I had hoped. When I got back from 6 hours of work, one of my friends was sick and the other had a music gig until 10. We didnt get to hang out until about 10:35 and then they had to go at 11:45. It was a really short chill time. Now its sunday I have to go work on my car and do nothin for the rest of the day. Well, maybe Dans around. Ill call him soon. So ya...... im hopin next weekend will be better with more partyin. I still have a keg (root beer) that I need drank, drunk, drunkethed, I dont know how u would say that but u get the idea. haha. So, as usual, until next weekend or somethin crappy happens durin the week. Bye. Current Mood: only a wee bit. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, January 28th, 2005
6:55 pm	Ya...... Hey all its FRIDAY!!!!!! and im doin absolutly NOTHIN!!!!!!!! ya.... Right now im sittin here without any plans and the only thing goin through my mind is, "what the hell am I gonna wright for this." And yes I put quotes around that because my mind talks! So what is everyone else doin? Somethin excitin I hope. Let me know. Make me feel loved. hahaha. Ok bye. Current Mood: bored (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
6:46 pm	Lets try this Got this from Alex, figured Id give it a shot too. Hopefully people respond. hehehe. 1. Who are you? 2. Are we friends? 3. When and how did we meet? 4. Have you ever had a crush on me? 5. Would you kiss me? 6. Give me a nickname and explain it. 7. Describe me in 1 word. 8. What was your first impression? 9. Do you still think that way about me now? 10. What reminds you of me? 11. If you could give me anything what would it be? 12. How well do you know me? 13. When was the last time you saw me? 14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? 15. Are you going to put this in your lj and see what I say about you? (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
11:29 am	ok I guess. This weekend turned out cool but started kinda rough. I just came back from my friends house were we had a really cool party. We even had a keg!!! Ok so it was only root beer but hey it was quality stuff. About half way through the party we all had to sit down and talk because everyone was actin really funky, but after we all talked, I think everything started flowin better. It turned out to be a lot of fun even though I didnt get any brownies!!!! (Max) but hey, we have a new couple emerging from it and I think everything is gonna be ok soon enough. Well im runnin on about 4 hours of sleep so im gonna go nappy nap now. hahaha. Until there r cool new things to report next weekend, (or somethin REALLY crappy happens during the week) haha bye. Current Mood: tired (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, January 21st, 2005
11:37 pm	OOOOOOOOOOO MAN!!!!! Ok so check this out. My closest friend just started goin out with this girl. The thing is I liked that girl to. Now as u read this your probably thinkin that I have some bad or hostile feelings towords this friend, but I dont. He actually came into the room, sat down, and talked to me about it. He was nervous because I had told him about somethin similar that had happened to me and how I have really hostile feelings twords that person now, but even knowing that, he came in and told me that he and this girl were gonna be goin out. Yes im kinda sad because I really liked her, but the fact that he came in and talked to me and didnt just blow it off really tells me somethin and it really makes me feel good knowin that no matter what, he still worried about my feelings and was still brave enough to talk to me about it not knowing what might happen. So I guess the reason im writing this, is to say thank you. Your the only one of my freinds who actually goes out of their way to try and not hurt my feelings and at the same time be honest with me. Dan you are the best friend I have ever had. You truly are a brother to me, and I appreciate all that u have done for me and put up with from me. Thank you, from the very pits of my soul. Thank you. -Crafty Current Mood: and kinda sad (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 17th, 2005
9:35 pm	Hey all Hey all, i had such an awesome weekend. I jammed with the band im in, plus we had an extremely talanted guitar player come and play with us. Her name is Alyssa. She showed me some cool songs and TOTALY rules at guitar. We all then headed back to my house were we played Halo 2 and beat the hell out of out keyboard player (Dan). We only used pillows though, no worries. It was good stuff. I think we're gonna be doin it again this weekend as well. Its gonna be awesome. Well ya thats the extent of my weekend. bye. -Crafty Current Mood: happy (1 Comment |Comment on this)